What if we just asked our pastor’s wife to candidly, honestly, even anonymously share some of their secrets?
NOTE: This article originally appeared here on the Shattered Magazine site.
She’s always there. Sometimes in the background, sometimes with a
welcoming smile up front, sometimes noticed and appreciated, sometimes
being silently judged. Your pastor’s wife: the powerful force behind
most church leaders often perceived as a mystery by the rest of the
church. It doesn’t have to be that way.
What if we just asked our pastor’s wife to candidly, honestly, even
anonymously, share some of their secrets? What if we invited them to
share their hearts and tell us what they wished the church knew?
I posed a simple, open-ended question to a panel of pastors’ wives in
different states, from different denominations, with various years of
service: “If you could tell the church a few things about your role as a
pastor’s wife, what would you say?”
The women selected are the wives of music ministers, children’s
leaders, senior pastors and youth pastors. Some of them serve in
churches with large staff and even larger budgets, others in newer
church plants, and even some from old and barely surviving
congregations. Despite such different backgrounds, their responses were
strangely similar and in several cases, almost identical.
I’ve sat for coffee, exchanged emails and had lengthy conversations
with many who freely shared their secrets with me in exchange for the
promise of anonymity. What follows is a condensed collection of their
words.
1) “I wish people knew that we struggle to have family time.”
There was one common response that I received from every single
pastor’s wife. Every. Single. One. Over and over again, many
pastors’ wives shared numerous occasions where planned vacations had
been cut short (wouldn’t that be hard?). They told me tales of family
evenings being rearranged for crises of church members, middle of the
night emergencies and regular interruptions. A true day off is rare;
even on scheduled days off, their husbands are essentially on call 24/7.
2) “Almost every day, I’m afraid of screwing it all up.”
They don’t have it all together. They battle many of the same issues
every other woman battles: marriage issues, extended-family
difficulties, sickness, finances, children who make poor decisions, fear
and insecurities. Some seasons of life are obviously harder than
others; but remember, ministry wives are not Wonder Woman with special
powers. Please have a little mercy and extend grace.
3) “Being a pastor’s wife is THE loneliest thing I’ve ever done and for so many reasons.”
Personally, I think this is surprising to many (it was to me).
Several ladies shared the difficulties of finding friendships that are
safe, being looked at (or treated) differently, and even the desire to
be invited for an occasional ladies night out. One woman shared, “Invite
us to something just to get to know us. We like being known.” People in
the church often assume that the pastor’s wife is always invited and
popular. In reality, for whatever reason, many ladies fear befriending
them. On Sunday mornings, pastors’ wives are often sitting solo, and
those with children are essentially single parenting.
4) “It is OK and welcomed to have conversations with me about
things that do not pertain to church, or even Jesus. There I said it!”
They have a variety of interests. Believe it or not, many
pastor’s wives went to college and had full-time careers before becoming
“Mrs. Pastor’s Wife.” They have hobbies, likes and dislikes, and though
they often serve beside their husband, they are individuals with their
own unique gifts. Do not make the mistake of assuming your pastor’s wife
has the same personality as her husband. One wife shared that as newly
weds when they announced their engagement, people regularly commented on
how good of a singer she must be (because her husband-to-be was a music
minister). When she shared that she sounded more like a dying cat than
an elegant song bird, the shock on their faces was evident.
5) “Sundays are sometimes my least favorite day. Wait—am I allowed to say that?”
Sundays are hard. And long. And there is no rest. To a pastor’s wife,
Sunday means an early morning of rushing around to have the family
ready in their “Sunday Best.” Although you may not see your pastor’s
wife on the platform, rest assured, Sunday is equally tiring for most
(all) of them.
6) “It’s hard to not harbor resentment or to allow your flesh to lash out at members who openly criticize his ministry.”
They hate church criticism more then anything. It’s hurtful,
offensive and, yes, it’s very hard not to take it personally. It is one
of the most damaging things they witness regularly inside the church,
whether it be through emails, social media or gossip. They wish people
understood how serious God’s word speaks on the danger and power of our
words. And how much it injures the pastor’s family.
7) “Please don’t look down on me or assume I don’t support my
husband just because you don’t see me every time the church’s doors are
open.”
Most wives are not paid staff. They are wives, mothers, and some are
employed outside the home and need to be allowed the freedom to pray and
choose ministries they feel called to.
8) “I wish people knew that we taught our children to make good choices, but sometimes, they don’t.”
Jokes about pastor’s kids should be avoided at all costs. The risk of
rebellion in a “preacher’s kid” is no secret. They aren’t perfect and
never will be (are yours?). They have to learn to walk in their faith
just like other children and need encouragement and love to do so.
Again, extend grace.
9) “What I can tell you is I have been blessed beyond
measure, I have been given gifts, money, love and prayer, so much prayer
… by so many.”
They love their church and understand the role comes with special
challenges and special blessings; it is fulfilling and brings them great
joy.
One Extra Thought
Though it was not a common response, there was one that stood out.
The top of the list of one seasoned pastor’s wife simply read, “I
deleted my number 1.” Some secrets are so difficult to share, even the
promise of complete confidence is not enough to bring them out.
These godly women have something they want us to know, and as a body
of believers working together toward the same goal, I think we might
gain a better understanding of how to appreciate our leaders by
listening. All of these responses point to a singular truth. Your
pastor’s wife is a human being that desires to be known, just as you do.
CLAREMORE, OK (ANS – May 8, 2016) -- “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me” — Jeremiah 29:13 (NLT).
Note: I always love hearing from my readers. Please feel free to e-mail me at carol@carolaround.com, or check out my website at www.carolaround.com.
