Resolving Unmet Expectations

Resolving Unmet Expectations

Helpful Articles: Personal Issues

By Ted Cunningham
Stress is the gap between what you expect and what you receive. Stress is a socially acceptable term for anger. Every pastor I know deals with “stress” from time to time. A vacation or sabbatical may relieve it, but won’t eliminate it. Changing churches may give you a fresh start, but it will resurface eventually. Leaving ministry will eliminate church “stress,” but it will happen in a new role too.
Here are three keys to realigning your expectations so you can persevere in ministry:
1. Bring Expectations to the Surface
Start by making a list of the expectations that you brought to your ministry or that you still have for ministry. Which of these expectations is farthest removed from the reality of your relationship with the board or congregation? Highlight a few of them. Then answer three questions for each one:

• Do you need to change or adjust this expectation?
• Is your expectation fair and reasonable?
• If you express your expectation, will your elders or deacons find it reasonable?

The key here is to address one expectation at a time. When all expectations are clumped together, one grade is assigned. This is problematic. There is a reason you received a report card at school divided into math, reading, science, and physical education. You were graded on each individual class. Some of us did well in reading and writing but did poorly in math and science. Individual grades help us focus and place more energy where it needs to be directed without being overwhelmed. Bottom line: each of your expectations about ministry needs to be assigned its own individual category on your report card. Address them one at a time.
A recent cartoon shows a fourth-grade boy standing toe-to-toe and nose-to-nose with his teacher. Behind them stands a blackboard covered with math problems the boy hasn’t finished.
With rare perception the boy says, “I’m not an underachiever, you’re an overexpecter!”
You don’t want to be an underachiever or an overexpecter as it relates to ministry. As you address each expectation individually you will be able to strike a balance between unreasonable expectations and unhealthy reality.
2. Work on what you can change and release what you cannot change
Guess what you can change? You! You can change 100 percent of you and your expectations, but you cannot change all of your reality on your own. Start by answering the first question: Do I need to change or adjust my expectations? This is the first step as you address each individual expectation.
Which of your expectations are reasonable or unreasonable? Which are based on biblical truth and which are not? How many expectations have you placed on your own shoulders that not one single person on your board or in your congregation has for you?
Remember, you are responsible for your expectations in the relationship. You may need to approach some people and share that you have expected too much of them. This may include staff, elders or family members. Are you expecting too much of volunteers? I regularly remind myself that volunteers are not paid so I should not expect full-time employment out of them.
Remember, people are not your source of life. Jesus is your source. Don’t ask others to take His place and fill you up. Jesus is an unlimited supply. The people in your life are limited supplies.
Letting others off the hook will change the atmosphere of your church and home. Not only will you walk more lightly, but so will those who love you and follow you.
What expectations do you need to release?
3. Align Your Expectations and Reality
The goal is that you will be able to create new, realistic, and biblical expectations for the future. Your spouse, children and congregation need this. You need this.
In the midst of addressing the gap between our expectations and our present reality, the serenity prayer reminds us that we do not need to be in control of everything around us, including people, places, and things:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr

The key to resolving these unmet expectations is to not adjust the behaviors of others but rather take personal responsibility for your own expectations. It’s the gap between what we expect and what we experience that drains our energy. To reduce the stress in our lives, we can make a list of all of our recalled expectations and start figuring out how to minimize the “gap” between our expectations and reality. Then our experience will be closer to what we anticipated, and as a result we’ll be stronger and more content. That bolsters our ability to keep on loving, giving and serving. Unless we talk about those things and bring our expectations to the surface, our family and friends may not know our desires, and we may find ourselves facing an energy-sapping gap between our desires and our reality.
As you begin to understand God’s expectation for you and your ministry, His Spirit will convict you of unrealistic expectations and reveal areas that require change. Remember, you cannot change others. But God gives you the power to change yourself. You need to trust and believe that God works in the lives of others to grow and change them in ways you cannot.
Copyright © 2014 by Ted Cunningham. Used by permission.

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Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church. He married Amy in 1996 and now live in Branson, MO with their two children, Corynn and Carson. Ted is the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child and Young and In Love and coauthor of four books with Dr. Gary Smalley.