Hi all,
We left off talking about the Corinthian's alternative and abusive lifestyles, with the pivot point being that they were now washed, set apart for, and justified by God when they met Jesus, leaving all that was former behind, and had to start thinking new thoughts. The way they were healed emotionally is the same for us.
John's story
Paul said in Romans 12:3 "I speak through the grace given unto me." He couldn't speak according to the grace given to Peter, but only to himself. So this is part of my grace, my story of emotional or 'inner' healing: Before my dad sat us 4 kids down (ages 11/me; 9, 7, 5) on February 7, 1969 and told us, "I am divorcing your mother, and I'm divorcing you kids. There won't be any ball games, birthdays, holidays, Christmas's, or vacations..." life with him was an emotional washing machine. To give you an idea, that was his 35th birthday - some celebration wasn't it? He was going to start his 36th year with a clean slate - sans family.
In the years before he left one brother regularly had visible welts on his lower back, rear end and thighs from the belt (for some reason I got the old fraternity paddle on my rear), but we all had emotional welts in our young emotions. Dinner time was like the Von Trapp's before Maria sat on the pine cone in "The Sound of Music" - sit straight, speak if spoken to, give a daily report on school and such.
Dad's dad was an alcoholic who got suicidal and violent when drunk, and he made several suicide attempts before he finally succeeded. The summer I was 7 years old I remember asking "pop-o" as we called him, what the bandages were on each wrist, and he said he had cut himself in the shop. Years later I found out he had slit his wrists but had been discovered. He eventually succeeded in finding the hidden pistol my dad had taken from him during a previous attempt, taking his own life in October of 1965, when I was 7 1/2.
I remember the day clearly: The phone call for dad from my grandma; his dad was drunk and had a gun. I saw my dad searching frantically through the drawers in his dresser and saying "It's gone!" I remember mom and dad saying he must have searched and found it Sunday when they were over for dinner. The next thing I knew, dad raced out of the house after telling grandma to leave her house immediately, and that night being told dad was too late - Pop-o was dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. He also killed their pet dog, and I'm sure would have killed grandma too had she not obeyed my dad and left immediately.
Fast forward
Those are just a few details - Dad also shot the neighbors cat with a rifle because it was (once again) in our sandbox, dad violently pulling me out of bed in the middle of the night to do a chore for some minor infraction - like I didn't empty the trash before bed - and so forth.
But you get the idea. So when he left when I was 11 1/2, I felt, and I know we all did to varying degrees, that if we had not been born mom and dad would still be together. Dad contributed to the idea we were partly to blame when he said he was leaving in part because we didn't always jump up to greet him with enthusiasm when he came through the door after a hard day at work - just what every child wants to hear from his dad.
So at age 16, when my friend Janny led me to the Lord, I was searching for a dad. But the truth was, that I delayed getting to know Jesus because I didn't think he would want me. My self image was lower than a snake's belly - why would God want me? What could he possible do with my life? Janny had to encourage me repeatedly that he did in fact want me, that he could make something of my life.
I was numb and didn't care about life: Dropped out of Boy Scouts, flunked a semester of freshman algebra, dropped bowling league, swimming, scuba lessons, flying lessons - all just 'things' to keep me busy - but inside I just didn't care about anything in life. Until Janny talked to me about God.
My hunger for a dad won out, realizing that if Jesus had the last word it only made sense to serve him - so I asked him to take over my life if he really wanted me, got to know the Father, and never looked back.
Healing, forgiveness, the battle for the mind
My dad had met another woman who had 2 kids of her own, and he promised to raise her kids as his own, forsaking his own completely. He built them all a nice home with an indoor pool 20 minutes across town, while my mom went back to graduate school at night and worked out of our house doing bookkeeping.
His new life meant any relationship with us 4 kids was kept from his wife. Thus by the time I could drive, any meeting with dad took place at his office, going in the back door, and began or ended with these words: "Remember, ___ must never know anything about this. If she asks I'll deny it, and you must too." That was 1974-77. It wasn't until 1996 dad and she wrote that she now knew about our secret meetings and college.
Even on our honeymoon, for which dad was kind enough to loan Barb and me one of his condos in south Florida for 2 weeks, it was a deal between he and I. When I went to the condo office to get the key, the lady was floored to discover I was the first born son, John Jr., eldest of 4 - she knew nothing of us, his first marriage, or anything, though she had known my dad and worked closely with him for over 10 years.
I made Jesus Lord at age 16, and over the next 2 years the Father tried to rebuild my emotions. Even then, at age 18 during a retreat with 2 buddies to rededicate our lives to God, I was telling him how much I wanted to serve him, but just knew I was no good and he would never want me.
It was during the playing of a Nancy Honeytree album, on the last song on side 2 entitled "I am Your Servant" (written by the late Larry Norman), that Jesus broke through my anguish saying: "John, I love you!" I was startled, and replied "I love you too, Lord." He said "Turn to John 14:27" I said "Now Lord?" and he replied, "Yes, now". "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you; not as the world gives, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
Revelation
At that moment I knew that he accepted me and my desire to serve him, and that He had made me good enough to be used of him, by his blood - just like anyone else. I had spent 2 years in anguish about my self image, whether the Father and Jesus really and truly wanted me or not - and it was that revelation that healed that image, starting me down the road to once and for all think about myself as the Father and Jesus did. From that point on I met every negative thought about myself with God's thoughts about me.
And that's how you get healed emotionally; a revelation followed by the discipline of confronting every thought contrary to what God says about you, with what he does say about you. In the same way Satan told Jesus to turn stones to bread but was met with what God said, so too I had to meet each and every thought about how no-good I was, with what God said about me.
Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion or feeling
I decided to forgive my dad at age 16, in the midst of all the secret meetings and broken promises, realizing when Jesus said "When you stand praying, forgive" in Mark 11:25, he made it a decision not an emotion.
My feelings were still raw about my dad, and stayed so for the next 10 years, all the while continually repeating my decision to forgive him. For 10 years my emotions did not line up with my decision.
The memories assaulted my emotions in living color and full Dolby Surround Sound on a big screen, replayed repeatedly to the point of being worn out. Yet each memory had to be confronted, often speaking out loud to myself, "No, I forgave that", but usually only saying it after I had played it all out again in my mind. At times the "No I forgave that" came more from habit than any feeling I felt at the moment, and then I'd be angry at whatever triggered it - a letter from my brother, a conversation that recalled a memory - but it was a decision I had made and I knew that eventually my feelings would line up with my decision.
The Father really stirred things up in me once our 3 sons were born. Yes God, not the devil, because the memories weren't the devil, they were just history. God was bringing them to the surface like dross on a pot of melted gold that needed to be scraped off. Once a person's spirit is recreated by the Holy Spirit, the life of God tries to flow up to our minds, and that life shines itself on any dark places there. (Phil 1:6)
Emotional healing is allowing God to shine his Light on, and interpret our personal history as seen through his eyes, back to us. We see events as he saw them. He does not shy away from the ugly truth, but His perspective brings healing while leaving (most) memories intact, just removing the damage and pain.
I kept thinking about what he did, and would get angry all over again. But finally it boiled down to 2 things: 1 was the relationship with him that was lost; and 2 was the injustice of it all. The injustice made me mad, the lost relationship made me sulk and turn inward. I felt robbed and felt a bit sorry for myself - I wanted to know my dad but he still wanted nothing to do with me - it was so unfair.
The Father gently brought me over 10 years time, to the place I realized I could never regain the teen years I never had with my dad, and I was at peace with letting those years go to the Father. You might think I would have been glad to be rid of my dad, but the truth is there was a lot of good in him; he taught me much, and it was those good times I wanted back.
One day in December of 1984 or '85, I clearly heard the Father say; "Call your dad and ask him to forgive you." I balked, more than that I was angry - "Me ask HIM to forgive ME? Are you crazy, Father? He should be calling me!" "Call your dad and ask him to forgive you" was his response.
I obeyed...here is the exact conversation as best as I remember it: "Hello dad, this is John. How are you?" "Very well" in his best business-like voice. "I have something to ask you. Will you please forgive me for anything I've done or said to you that hurt you?".....silence..."Dad, will you?" "Very well." "Ok dad, that's all I wanted, how is ____? Are you doing OK?" "We're fine." "OK...thanks, that's all I wanted. Merry Christmas."
That freed me somehow - never since have I struggled with the anger associated with the injustice of it all, the hurt inflicted... The memories are there, but the pain is gone. The memories are there, but there is no anger - sadness over what's lost? Yes. Wishing that even today he would take the initiative to call or email? Yes. Hoping that even on his death bed if nothing else, he might come to the Lord and/or I might see him again? Yes, with all the emotions that entails.
But the Father became my father, and turned me into a good husband and father. More than that, I have had and continue to have wonderful revelations of the Father and his realm, and walk in that intimacy with him. That which I lost on earth, has been made up for so far above by my heavenly Father, yet I still miss my dad, but with no pain associated with the memories.
To get to healing I had to do the hard work over many years of confronting every emotion and memory that was contrary to what the Father says about me or about any situation or any person, as a way of life. But without hesitation I freely admit it was the Father working within my emotions to stir things up for the purpose of healing, and then meet me with understanding, and patience, thus the glory and credit is all his.
Stay tuned for part 3...
Some thoughts this week,
John Fenn
www.ifaithhome.org
Skype: Jfenntulsa
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